imood has no mood for grieving.

my mother died ten years ago tomorrow morning. i did the overnight shifts alone. i'm having flashbacks. right now it feels like i have spent ten years on my knees in a dark room, holding out my arms over her bed, pretending i was lifting up her soul so someone would finally take it.

honestly imood might be right, because i don't know that this is grief. i remember that in the first two years after she died when i was flashing back all the time -- like i couldn't actually get to the grief under the trauma. my body seizes up and i can't breathe or speak.

it feels like this should be a Special Day that i should honor correctly or i'll miss something important, but i don't know if i can do it. i want to honor and feel close to her in theory, but i don't want to feel this close to her suffering, and that's what's in my mind and body right now.

i also remember carolyn instant messaging with me ten years ago tomorrow evening, telling me about her grandma's rainbow over the ocean <3 i'm so glad my mother is free from this, i just wish i were free too.