Wow... I hadn't really thought about imood in a long time... it's been more than two years since my last update. I'm fairly surprised to see Christine still using imood, too, yet rather delighted.
It's been a very long time since I have written in a blog or journal, for that matter.
Well... Life is busy and chaotic as it always seems to be, as life is about cycles in many ways. Right now, a most prominent feeling I have is that of annoyance, as I don't have much patience for the joke that is the (modern) internet... particularly social sites like facebook. Otherwise, I feel quite overwhelmed and bothered in general.
I am determined not to put up with meaninglessness, unhealthy/fake relationships, cyclic guilt, mind games and abuse in my life. Therefore, I have deleted a lot of "friends" from my facebook. I need to feel safe to be myself now. I cannot conform to the standards of others simply to maintain a web of harmful relationships. For people with unrealistic expectations, it has never been and never will be enough.
I do feel heartache for the many losses, and relationships that cannot be mended. The futility of it. That preconceived notions, biased judgements and misunderstandings have often overshadowed truths. That "truth" is not not black and white; There are a myriad of feelings, experiences and perspectives involved, and none are necessarily more "right" than another. Life and people are far more complex than most can take into consideration or begin to understand.
At any rate, I am always learning, and even if my health suffers, I am doing what I can. And if/when I feel it is in my best interests, I would like to "catch up", or at least, share my experiences in coversation wth someone other than Dethy and fictional characters.
Oh, fantasy, such a life saving grace... the many stories and people more true and meaningful to me than life itself. And while I have always loved the people around me, life does not necessarily allow these things to be shared.
To Dethy, Enel, and, god help me, my beloved Christine:
More than any words or actions could ever show... I love you.
bothered
